December 23rd Column

As I am too deathly lazy this holiday season to come up with my usual blend of witty one-liners and insightful NHL analysis (Hey, it's better than watching Versus at least!) I bring to you, the hockey fanatics of the world, the 12 Days of Hockey Hanukkah.

They are not meant to rhyme, so if you sing it, you will look like a moron. People will laugh at you.

The basic premise was 12-1 thing(s) that certain NHL teams, players, and figureheads could use around the Christmas season. But then I ran out of ideas, and -- despite the fact that I'm a Catholic -- changed it to the 8 Nights of Hockey Hanukkah.

So here we go...

8,000 people at a Coyotes game. It'd be a season high, and the ol' Jobing.com arena would just be rockin'.

7 NHL Officials Fired...Because clearly, 7 of them have to be not enforcing the standards. Stick with me here, I've been watching games religiously since November, and every 7 games seems to let the hooking go. So therefore, 7 officials get canned with some new Walken-ites. Yeah, I know it's a stretch.

6th Place...for the New York Islanders. That's where they could be if they play the Nolan way the rest of the year. The Islanders were mocked so badly (including by this writer, if you may remember) that finishing in the Top 10 in the East would've justified Garth Snow's job as Charles Wang's sock puppet, but, it's Christmas, and they're in 3rd in the Atlantic, and currently in the Top 8. This team of mediocre journeymen and overachievers can hang tough with the top teams in this league (See their 6-0 win over Atlantic last week, and how they manhandled New Jersey earlier this year).

5 Million Votes... For Rory Fitzpatrick. That will get him into the All-Star Game. With Gary Bettman surprisingly in favor, and many hockey commentators (Chris Cuthbert in particular) pissed off, it'll be fun to see how the saga wraps up on January 2nd.

4 Devils D-Men...to replace the joke of a core we've got now. When Brad Lukowich has been your most stable veteran D-man the past two weeks, things are in trouble. Sure, New Jersey's in first place, but do you really think a team who's Top 4 is Lukowich, Brian Rafalski, Paul Martin and Colin White are a core that can get you deep into May and June?

3 Million Viewers - Who watch The NHL On NBC when it opens on January 13. Smart move from the No Hitting League, it got NBC to give it serious promo time on the Cowboys-Eagles Christmas day game. Odds are, anywhere from 20-30 Million people could be watching the game, so why would it be so much to expect 3 million to see Sid the Kid?

2 Million Readers - For my new blog, Battle of New York, where myself and Derek Felix of NYSportsDay.com talk about the Devils and Rangers (and hopefully a third blogger soon for the Islanders) and the issues around the NHL.

And one full head of hair for J.D. Seriously, he's gotta be out of the stuff by now, from the pulling out of it he's had to do watching Keith Tkachuk lead them in scoring, and no, that isn't a good thing, when your leading scorer spends more time at Jack in the Box than on the ice. As I've said before, every move he's made has failed. Other than the idea the Erik Johnson is coming soon, and

The development of Lee Stempniak, what has he to be happy about? Tkachuk, Weight, Guerin, Rucinsky, McKee...they've all busted. Petr Cajanek and Barrett Jackman's development has been arrested. I know players love to come to St. Louis after there retired, but this is just ridiculous.

Come home, J.D.

Merry Christmas Hockey Fans.

-SFM-